Saturday, September 1, 2007

Circus act

My billy goat Gavroche roams freely over some ten acres of grassy land, some of which he shares with my two donkeys, Moshé and Mandrin. So he can't really complain about not having enough to eat... as you can see from his roundness. But he still appreciates the freshly-cut grass of my lawn. And, as soon as he sees me coming out of the kitchen, Gavroche is reminded that he should hang around near the door, because he knows from experience that I'm likely to bring him out a dish with a few handfuls of mixed cereals. So, life at Gamone is not too unpleasant for Gavroche.

If Gavroche could talk, he would surely tell you that there's only one annoying problem here at Gamone. The sex life of this terribly horny little beast is rather miserable. I would be delighted to find him a female goat, but there would soon be a host of baby goats roaming over the slopes. So, Gavroche is forced to get his sexual thrills by attempting vainly to seduce one or other of the male donkeys... which is a pretty awkward and frustrating affair.

In fact, when the tiny animal is sexually aroused, he indulges in an amazing act, which you have to see to believe. Normally, it's not the sort of thing one would talk about in refined circles, as it were. But, since even an ex-president of the USA once had to reply publicly to highly clinical questions about his sexual behavior with a staff member [no pun intended], I see no reason why I shouldn't describe the spectacular Gavroche act. Besides he doesn't use a cigar or any other kind of prop. It's a no-strings-attached one-goat performance. To put it bluntly [and Gavroche puts it very bluntly], the little fellow arches his back and turns his head in such a way that he's able to aim his long thin penis directly at his open mouth, at point-blank range... if you see what I mean, without my having to draw a picture. And the clever little bugger generally scores a direct hit, and seems to relish the result. I don't know whether experts in sexology have invented a technical name for this act. Is it possible that Gavroche actually invented it, all on his own? Maybe I should get him patented, or entered into the Guinness Book of Records.

Incidentally, a week or so ago, I made a trivial but surprising linguistic discovery. The English word butcher is a variant of the French word boucher. And, since people eat meat obtained from butchers, I had always imagined that the origin of the words boucher/butcher was the French word bouche, meaning mouth. Well, not at all. These words come from bouc, the French word for buck: the technical term for a billy goat. Apparently, once upon a time (in the Middle Ages, I suppose), the usual meat supplied by butchers came from goats.

Getting back to Gavroche, it could be said that, rather than letting humans eat his meat, he has invented a better way of using it.

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