Pas très catholique

J'apprends qu'il est rare dans le royaume des bêtes qu'un individu fornique avec un étranger, c'est-à-dite avec un animal d'une autre famille biologique. Voilà pourquoi les images suivantes sont rares :

Cliquez pour agrandir

« Je ne vois pas où est le problème » dit le macaque. « Je ne crois pas que je risque de la blesser. Ça passe comme une lettre à la poste. »

Pourquoi Pascal a-t-il toujours la mine triste ?

Toutes les représentations de Blaise Pascal montrent un homme qui n'a pas vraiment l'air gai. C'est à croire qu'il était exténué par tous ses travaux sur la philosophie, les mathématiques, la physique, la religion, et cetera.

Non, pas vraiment. C'est que les artistes ont simplement attendu que le bonhomme soit mort avant de produire son portrait. C'est-à-dire que tout tableau de Pascal a été exécuté à partir de son masque mortuaire.

Pas très gai, non ? Faites donc attention si vous comptez léguer à la postérité une gueule de bon vivant. N'attendez pas le dernier moment...

European natality

I found this chart yesterday :

Click to enlarge slightly

At times, I fail to see something that's stuck on my big fat nose. Yesterday, when I first posted this data, I didn't read what's clearly written down at the bottom of the chart. The percentages indicate the proportion of women without kids. In other words, 25 % of German women (at the top) are without children, whereas only 8 % of Bulgarian women are in that predicament. Male readers might notice that, if they're looking for an average European wife with an average tendency to be a mother, there's no better place to find her than in my favorite Old World nation. To help you find that place, here's a hint: a famous symbol of that people is a female whose upper-underwear is missing. And her name is Marianne.

In at least one town hall of our so-called Hexagone,

a lovely Marianne has been out in the sunshine.

Pour être un post-philosophe ?

J’avoue d’office que ma question et ma réponse sont totalement truquées en ce sens que je vais nommer des qualités particulières que je possède personnellement en partie supposée être suffisante. Il y a également des réponses pour lesquelles je me rends compte que je tire un peu vers moi la couverture. Je les laisse néanmoins car elles sont pertinentes. Je dis pourtant qu’elles pourraient être remplacées par des réponses légèrement différentes.

• Mieux vaut avoir une petite culture en philosophie conventionnelle, rien que pour éviter d’être totalement un philistin qui ignore même la terminologie d’Aristote et de tous ceux qui l'ont suivis.

• Etre au courant des discussions ordinaires sur le “free will” (libre arbitre).

• Pouvoir s’exprimer an anglais. Curieusement, je considère que la langue allemande n’ajoute rien d’obligatoire aux qualités du candidat. C’est une manière de dire que, si je pensais qu’il fallait posséder l’allemand pour être post-philosophe, j’aurais fait un effort pour l’apprendre.

• Etre connaisseur de Rilke et admirateur de Malte Laurids Brigge.

• Il faudrait surtout avoir quelques notions de base sur la physique quantique.

• Savoir un peu ce qu’est l’ADN.

• Connaître Richard Dawkins et l’athéisme.

• Il faudrait connaître assez bien la programmation d’ordinateurs et les challenges de ce qu’on appelle parfois l’intelligence artificielle.

• Il faudrait pouvoir taper correctement sur un ordinateur. Le contenu de ce que je propose pourrait difficilement être transmis par quelqu’un qui se sert uniquement du texto sur un iPad. D’ailleurs, il ne m’est jamais de ma vie arrivé de tenter une telle opération. Je reste incroyablement vieux-style !

Il y a sans doute des fautes dans mes propositions. Mais, même s’il n’y avait qu’un gramme de sérieux, sans parler de vérité, on devrait admettre que la plupart des candidats dits « intellectuels » se situent à une distance d’années-lumière.

Fluttering butterflies

When we look at the world, chance often troubles us. The submarines ordered recently by my native land will be designed and built by the French DCNS shipyard at Cherbourg, currently up for sale. A potential purchaser is the Italian Fincantieri, who built the Costa Concordia.

For readers (like me) who don’t believe in ghosts, that association means absolutely nothing. The giant Italian cruise ship might have had an inspiring destiny if only it hadn’t been captained on the evening of Friday 13 January 2012 by a randy idiot who seemed to view himself as God’s Gift to Women. But it might be creepy for a naval officer who believes in ghosts (supposing that such men are still recruited) to fall asleep in a submarine bunk designed by the same bed-builder who created the fun-place for Schettino and his blonde playmate.

De Jacques Monod à la Costa Concordia

J’ai décidé de mentionner Monod comme j’aurais pu évoquer d’autres grands penseurs scientifiques depuis l’époque des découvertes de la physique quantique et de l’ADN. Et j’ai parlé du désastreux fait divers de l’ile de Giglio tout comme j’aurais pu faire appel à n’importe quelle actualité qui émerge des battements des ailes d’un papillon. Pourquoi s’étonner par ailleurs des ressemblances entre l’actrice Sveva Alviti et Dalida plutôt que celles entre le Costa Concordia et le Titanic ?

Pourquoi donner le beau rôle de salaud à Francesco Schettino en particulier, quand on aurait pu choisir n’importe meutrier qui agit ainsi pour une raison indéniable, à savoir : C’est dans ses gènes. Rien à faire. Il est né comme ça.

Je trouve plus noble de parler des victimes, qu’elles soient de la fiction ou de la terrible réalité.

Mylène et Mickaël
Blanche et noir,
leurs peaux seraient un hasard sans importance,
leur amour une nécessité éternelle, aussi forte que la vie.

Ce qui me frappe aujourd’hui dans le cas du Prix Nobel, c’est son choix du titre Le Hasard et la Nécessité. Tout est dit. Le hasard, c’est le papillon. La nécessité, c’est la science et la rigueur de l'ADN. Ces deux forces mettent le capitaine et son amante ensemble au moment où le paquebot passe entre Scylla et Charybdis. Elles font du jeune couple des sacrificiés, puis elles sauvent la tête de l'abject capitaine italien.

Saint Billy's Day

If I have any Down Under Antipodes readers left (which is rather unlikely), they might be surprised to hear me say—unless they knew so already—that January 10 is the feast day of my patron saint, known in French as Guillaume, and in German as Wilhelm.

Now, please don't expect me to say anything about this fellow... or rather these fellows, because there's a big group of Bills, spread out over a few centuries. To be honest, I don't have the faintest idea of what a William has to do to become recognized as a potential saint. As far as I'm concerned, nobody has ever sent me an email asking me to contribute funds to sponsors who would back me up in a bid to become a saint. So, I have no information on such subtle matters. Be that as it may, it goes without saying—but it's better said than left in saintly silence—that I would instantly publish a blog post if ever I happened to be elected to the heavenly throng. Being a saint doesn't mean you have to remain as quiet as a stone statue about it.

World’s most brilliant and efficient researchers and writers work for Wikipedia

#WikiPriests

This morning, I noticed news of the assassination yesterday of Jean-Louis Turquin, who had himself been considered by certain observers as the assassin of his son. Although it’s a mysterious and complex affair, it doesn’t interest me at all. However this morning’s news provides me with a pretext to examine something that does interest me greatly: the way in which Wikipedia handles such events.

Not surprisingly, the corresponding article ends with a sentence that mentions yesterday's assassination. This rapidity suggests that Wikipedia writers get to work in the minutes that follow a relevant news events. The organization and speed of Wikipedia people are impressive, and their reporting is clear and precise. I simply don’t know how they get their act together. They’re surely devoted to Wikipedia in the way a priest might be devoted to the Church. But I’m obliged to say that I know nothing whatsoever about such WikiPriests.

Talents sportifs hérités

Dans la lignée Noah, il y a eu trois générations de grands sportifs, chacune dans une discipline différente.

Zacharie, Yannick et Joakim Noah réunis en septembre 2011. (L'Equipe)

Le patriarche Zacharie Noah, 79, vient de mourir à Yaoundé, Cameroun.

J’ai eu une occasion inattendue de rencontrer Yannick Noah à Perth en 1985 à l’occasion d’un diner chez un Français, son ami d’école, qui venait d'être nommé à la tête de l’Alliance Française. Je connaissais bien cette personne car j’avais contacté l’Alliance tout de suite après mon arrivée à Fremantle.

J’ai eu l’occasion de constater, ce soir-là, que Yannick n’avait pas le comportement rigoureux d’un sportif de haut niveau qui évitait complètement de boire et de fumer. Ses capacités tennistiques n’étaient pas uniquement la conséquence d’un mode de vie spartiate. Elles étaient dans les gènes hérités du son père.

Des amis Facebook ne sont pas forcément de vrais amis

J'aurais pensé qu'on n'avait pas besoin de faire appel à la justice en France pour clarifier une telle question. Nous avons beaucoup d'affaires plus sérieuses à régler.

Hélas, il a suffi qu'un plaignant récuse un certain candidat de jury pour que cette question soit amenée devant un tribunal. Quelle perte d'énergie ridicule !

Some of my best friends used to be kids

Even, in certain cases, bright kids. Now I don't know if it's the weather, or whatever... but I find it harder and harder to met up with smart humans. At times, over the last few months, I've had the impression that some kind of a plague has swept through my old territories and infected some of my favorite watering holes. Only today, for example, I read in the press that a flu attack has wiped out 13 residents of a home for old folk in Lyon. It appears that the rate of vaccination in this establishment was 38%, but we'll have to await the results of an inquiry to see if some of those who died were in fact vaccinated. I hope that our future president François Fillon, who brought the Internet to France, will introduce a law that makes it obligatory for old-timers such as me to be vaccinated against the flu virus. Before that happens, I must remember to ask a local priest whether I'm maybe a public danger when I walk around in the super-market with my body full of flu-vaccine shit. Maybe they should ban me.

Once upon a time, I used to get all excited and full of fury whenever I detected cases of blatant stupidity in society. These days, I simple look the other way. If I were to snarl at every idiot I run into, more and more people would consider me (as many do already) as a mad dog, and try to shoot me. Such is fucking life. A fucking tragedy, whichever way you look at it. If God existed (which, of course, he doesn't), then he would have to be truly ashamed of his bull-shit creation.

Moment of intense joy

Since yesterday evening, my house has been
invaded by a continuous mysterious piercing sound.
I searched its causes everywhere, without success.
This morning, I discovered that the disturbing sound
came from a faulty smoke and CO detector.
So, I took it outside and left it on a table.
This afternoon, in the cold, the strident sound
went into action once again.
Enough was enough.
I finally stopped the sound. Forever.

Click to enlarge slightly

Not since my first kiss have I felt so elated!

Human madness disgusts me

7 janvier 2015

On that terrible day, the madness of a mob of dirty brain-washed buggers made an ugly inaugural appearance. The day will surely come
when all the mad fellows will have finally faded away into dust.
Between now and then, our world will suffer unbearably.

Fillon invented the wheel, too

Sliced bread, almost certainly.

Run, Turing, Run!

Maybe Forrest Gump invented the principles of
modern computing and artificial intelligence...

Does the British PM know the way out ?

Theresa May is like a lady in a dark cinema who’s looking for the toilets. She knows they’re there, somewhere or other, and she needs to reach them as soon as possible, but there’s not enough light for her to find the way.

Born in Bournemouth in Dorset, the lady is accustomed to foggy conditions. The Brexit, however, is foggier by far than anything she’d ever encountered. Sir Ivan Rogers, Britain's ambassador to Brussels, even chose the lady’s birthplace to announce his resignation… which wasn’t a particularly British act. Before taking French leave, the not-very-diplomatic diplomat had been ungracious enough to inform 10 Downing Street that finding the way out of Europe in the dark might even take ten years. Goodness Gracious, that’s a long wait in the pea soup for a pee!

Former French president intercepted by a police officer

On 31 December 2016, at Saint-Tropez, the ex-president Nicolas Sarkozy ran into trouble with a local policeman. In a one-way street, the said Sarkozy was allegedly traveling in the wrong direction, which could have resulted in an accident if ever an old person or children (or anybody at all, for that matter) had happened to attempt to cross the street. The alleged culprit halted and declined his identity. It is not known whether he made any statement or apology to the police officer concerning his dangerous act. In any case, the police officer reveals that he did not encounter any kind of problem with the alleged culprit, who apparently made no attempt to behave in an incorrect manner with the representative of the law. When asked by the police officer to descend from his bicycle, the alleged offender did so, and obeyed the police officer’s suggestion of continuing his journey on foot, wheeling the bicycle alongside him. The police officer has further revealed that neither he nor the alleged culprit thought it necessary to draw attention to the fact that the alleged culprit had once occupied a special post in France. In other words, the alleged culprit received no exceptional treatment. It appears that the affair was brought to an acceptable conclusion in as rapid and harmonious a manner as possible.

Trump pourrait être du vent

Donald Trump dit tellement de conneries que l’on se demande si lui aussi ne serait pas une sorte de connerie permanente. Il a suggéré que le changement climatique était une plaisanterie chinoise qu’il serait obligé d'anéantir. Il a promis même de restaurer l’industrie du charbon. Trop de Trompe, c’est trop. Tellement de conneries qu'il finit par se fatiguer.

Avant Noël, quand les “promesses” de Trump commençaient à se faire oublier un peu, le gouvernement fédéral à proposé des enchères sur une parcelle du fond de la mer aux alentours de l’Etat de New York, comme un site potentiel d’un vaste parc d’éoliens.

Est-ce que la morosité engendrée par Trump allait tuer cette offre ? Pas du tout. L’intérêt était tellement énorme que les enchères ont grimpé à 33 tours, et nécessité l’ouverture d’une seconde journée de business. Finalement, le gagnant a offert 42 millions de dollars au Trésor fédéral. Ça fait deux fois ce qui a été obtenu au mois d’août pour l’achat de sites pétroliers dans la Golfe de Mexique.

Disturbing days of depression for females

The French journalist Audrey Vaugrente has published an interesting article, HERE, on the genetic origins of troubles associated with menstruation. No less than 13 genes are responsible for the hormonal variations that give rise to these problems. In other words, a woman is born with these monthly disturbances? Like blue eyes, they're congenital. Unlike an affliction such as influenza, these troubles were never simply "picked up"... and they can never be cured.

For a male, it’s obviously impossible to understand these problems, which bear names such as anxiety, sadness and irritability. So, our only role consists of sympathizing—as best we can—with our sisters, wives, mothers and daughters. A study on this genetic manifestation has been published in the scientific journal Molecular Psychiatry.

Titanic

Apparently the good ship Titanic was severely damaged by a fire even before it was launched. And it was this fire damage, rather than an iceberg, that led to the catastrophe. Click HERE to read an article on this new theory.